With the weather getting warmer, it’s getting close to grilling season. Burgers, hotdogs, sausage, and all kinds of tasty things. For vegans, that generally means tofurky things or a big ol’ portabella mushroom cap grilled like a burger. To that, we decided to say….nah.

To make some tasty, non-tofurky vegan burgers, you’ll need a bunch of stuff:


While not making portabella cap burgers, you’ll be using a butteload of them- about two pounds worth. You’ll also need an onion as big as your head (or two smaller ones), brown rice, basil, allspice, thyme, parsley miso, soy sauce, and vital wheat gluten.

Start by rinsing enough rice for three cooked cups, and dunk it in your rice cooker:


Cover it and set it cook, making sure to get your left foot nice and blurry for the internet to see:


Set your wife/significant other/child/future self to cut up the onion as big as your head:


…While present you washes your two pounds of mushrooms, being sure to lose at least one in the disposal:


Once your wife/significant other/child/present self gets bored with trying to dice your head-sized onion, throw it/them in your food processor:


…while the present/past participle/future perfect you finishes up the mushroom washing:


Now that you’ve temporally reconciled with yourself, process your onion until it’s finely chopped, if you didn’t want to spend the time dicing it up with a knife:


Scrape it out and dump the onions in a bowl:


Don’t worry too much about getting every little bit out just yet. set your fancy spice bowl up with a but of basil, some thyme, and allspice. It does come down to personal taste, and if you use fresh herbs or not, but I think it was a couple tablespoons of basil, one of thyme, and a half of allspice:


Dump that in with a third of a cup of soy, as determined by cleverly looking at the picture you took:


Process all the mushrooms. It took a bunch of batches:


To wind up with this non-liquid product:


Add a couple tablespoons of miso:


said, add a couple tablespoons of miso!:


Whatever. Next a half a cup of tomato paste, which I didn’t put in the top picture because we used smokey ketchup instead:


Dump that in the bowl with your reluctant miso and all the other stuff so far:


How’s the rice doing?


Fine, then.

By this point your wife/SO/child/future self is getting bored and has likely resolved to chop about half a cup of parsley up:


While present you mixes everything else up a bit for fun:


Combine that hard work, you’ve earned it:


Rice is done enough, we’re tired of waiting:


Scoop three cups into the mix while you admire you buns, some meds, the tissues, and some dijon mustard* you’ve been mellowing for a week or two:


Combine everything so far:


Put in your vital wheat gluten:


Yeah, just like that…all…what, 2 cups or so of it? Yeah:


Punch the near burger mixture to assert dominance (and make sure it’s all mixed together):


Form into patties however you decide to. We used the half cup measure and hand-formed half a cup at a time. It made like, 18 burgers:


Bake until they look like this (that is, 350 for about half an hour, or so):


Mmmmm, burgers:


Gently tug one of your hot burgers off the thing before they’ve really cooled enough, put it on a bun with a big ol slice of tomato, some smokey ketchup and other mustard you’ve made in the past, like so:


Verdict: While obviously not meat, this is really a fantastically tasty veggie burger, especially after they’ve cooled enough to stiffen up. We stuck all the rest of them in the freezer, and have been cooking them as needed, and every time after they’ve been great. And this recipe makes so many burgers, so an afternoon of cooking will make you meals for a good chunk of the summer!

*This is a staple thing that I’m sure I’ll make again and document at some point. Stay tuned!

  • The recipe used on this page brought to you by The Homemade Vegan Pantry by Miyoko Schinner. If you’re vegan or cook vegan food, it’s a great one to get. 

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